Saturday, March 28, 2009

Amy Sedaris: Very Smart

According to Amy Sedaris in her book I Like You - Hospitality Under the Influence, men like the following things:

  • Meat
  • Extra portions
  • Pies
  • Gravy
  • Toothpicks
  • Pussy

She knows her men pretty well.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

American Analrapist

So, for an event I'm planning this fall I've been reading a lot of Arkansas-centric hunting stuff. And, since it's turkey season right now, there's a lot of turkey talk. This makes me laugh. See, the turkeys are often called "gobblers." And, as we all know, a male bird is often called a cock. And, since I'm twelve, that shit is funny.

And then! And then I imagine Dr. Tobias Funke talking about it!

"Good morrow, all! Welcome to American Sportsman! I'm your host, Tobias Funke. Today I slip off my analrapist facemask and slip into a slinky little camouflage number. That's right, we're going hunting for the male wild turkey...or, as I like to call him, the 'cock gobbler.' Mmmm, I can practically taste the hot, wild cock gobbler in my mouth right now..."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Helpful Advice

Someone on the Goner board wants to know where to find a used softball glove. The answer?

"At the lesbian bar."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Home (Not At All Sweet) Home

Today, I heard Carrie Underwood's version of Home Sweet Home. Or, as I like to call it, Carrie Underwood hoists her skirts, squats, and takes a piss on a decent musical memory of mine.

Those Wacky Papists!

Pope tells Africa 'condoms wrong'

Pope Benedict XVI, who is making his first papal visit to Africa, has said that handing out condoms is not the answer in the fight against HIV/Aids.

The pontiff, who preaches marital fidelity and abstinence, said the practice only increased the problem.

Tomorrow, the pope is set to denounce umbrella use in rainy weather. According to a copy of his statement leaked to the press, the pope will apparently declare umbrellas "fail to keep a person dry" and may in fact "make them much, much wetter. Sinful, dirty umbrellas."

Update: The Onion, as usual, says it better.

This is for $25,000.

Contestant #1: "I'm dead, but I'm up walking around...I really want to eat your brains...there are a lot of movies about me and my people...going through life as a horrific shambling mound of rotting flesh isn't as cool as you'd think..."

Tony Randall: "Things a zombie would say!"

Bert Convy: "That's right!"

Contestant #1: [eats Tony Randall's and Bert Convy's brains]

Sprechen the English there, dimwit?

Listening to the always-excellent Death Guild via the DNA Lounge today...there was this excellent spooky electronic tune that I was listening to, and I wasn't having any trouble following the lyrics. Until I was.

And then I was all what? What did he say? Have I had a stroke? Lost my ability to understand the spoken language somehow?

But then I realized dude had started to sing in German, like you sometimes do. Lots of Ich lieben darkness plotzen wurst ach ach ach morte religioni. It sounds prettier when it's sung, I promise.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Depends on how you define "girl."

From the Goner board, a response to the post need a girl singer:

"can this person be male 9-5 but girl on weekends/summer ave?"

Thursday, March 12, 2009

We appreciate your comments, counsellor.

As requested, a big shout out to Kim, whose comments have prodded me back into blogging. When your attorney - or someone's attorney, anyway - tells you to blog, then you have to do it. It's a legal thing.

If you visit her site you'll notice she handles contempt issues. I asked her about this once.

"It says contempt on your card," I said.


"Can you help me with that? 'Cause I feel so much contempt every day."

"It's not that kind of contempt."


Idolator, talking about Britney Spears' new video:

"Anyway, why don't you watch it with me, and see if she can go three and a half minutes without her vagina tumbling to the floor like a wolf's tongue in a Tex Avery cartoon."