Friday, June 29, 2007

The Week In Review

Saturday - I went to a wedding. My friend Angie got married. She is seven months pregnant. The ceremony took place under a Bud Light tent. A teenage girl played In A Gadda Da Vida on the flute before the ceremony. If you know Angie, you know how right all of that was.

Sunday - I drank a pint glass grapefruit and vodka and swam around my sister's pool. Then I ate hamburgers.

Monday - I ran around the backyard like a crazy man in my new soccer cleats. John thought this was funny as hell. He ran with me, trying to take the ball that I was kicking away. I figure if I can keep moving with him yanking on my shirt, flinging himself into my legs and picking up the ball I can play against anyone. And by anyone I mean "any mid-thirties yahoo such as myself."

Tuesday - John and I went to Cici's for dinner, then hit the Funquest to watch MRD league practice. Those women work hard. Give them your attention and money.

Wednesday - I had to work late. My mom picked up John. Was there Guitar Hero after all that? Of course there was.

Thursday - Sonya got up at 4:30 a.m. - that's 0430 - for an early-morning thing at her job. That was early, yo. Also, I was spraying some bathroom cleaner in the shower and I looked at the label. One of the steps for using the product was remove gross filth. It's amazing how the words "gross filth" can leap out at you, even in the smallest type.

Friday - A coworker was calling around, looking for garter belts for her friend, who is getting married. No one had any in stock.

"Christal's," I suggested. (Christal's being a local sex-toy and lingerie chain.)

"She's very, very pregnant," the coworker told me, "do you think they'll have anything appropriate for her?"

"She's pregnant, right? She must be an easy touch. I'd say anything they have would work for her."

Friday, June 22, 2007

R. Kelly

From The Zoo, a song on R. Kelly's new album:

Girl, I Got you so wet

It's like a rain forest

Like Jurassic Park

Except I'm your sexosaurus

To quote the pigeon: can you believe this guy?

And Snoop Dogg has done another duet with R. Kelly on this album! If anyone in the hiphop community should be expected to say, "you ain't cool, man. You piss on people," it should be Snoop. But no.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


I first heard about J.T. LeRoy in Interview, I think.

(And wouldn't Andy Warhol have been delighted with the whole story!)

I was working my way through lots of Dennis Cooper at the time, so I was mildly intrigued by the synopsis of LeRoy's work. I never got around to reading it, though.

I also remember thinking very clearly, "that background story sounds like bullshit to me. If I ever heard a made-up story, this is it."

I also thought that the publisher was trying to make a buck with the author's outrageous backstory, or maybe it was a celebrity working with a ghostwriter to hype a new project.

And then I forgot about J.T. LeRoy until he (she?) got busted and the truth came out: it was some chick who fooled a lot of people. Laura Albert's trial for fraud starts today (N.Y. Times link, so it probably won't last long).

What does it all mean? It means I'm a goddamn psychic genius, is what it means.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


I am picking eleventh in my fantasy football draft this year. Eleventh! Out of twelve! Utter bullshit.

Also, two soccer teams are trying to recruit me for the fall. And by "recruit," I mean "fill up their roster with any available yahoo."

And that's me. I think I'll have business cards made up with that as my title.

Harold Williams

Available Yahoo

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The boy...

...punched me in the throat tonight when I was carrying him to bed. Needless to say, he didn't really want to go to bed.

That got him a spanking. Then I had to leave the room. Sucker punched by a three year-old!

He apologized later.

"You punch people in the throat," I told him, "you're going to get a lot worse. That's a good way to get in fights and stay in them."

After that, he told his mother he was afraid I wouldn't never take him fishing again. I had to reassure him that I didn't like what he did, but I love him. And we'd totally go fishing again.

Kids! They say the darnedest things! And commit the darnedest acts of violence!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Father's Day

And what did I get? Tickets to see Cheap Trick and Guitar Hero 2...and two wireless guitar controllers to go with it.

Oh, you people have no idea how great this game is. Just no fucking idea. Unless you do, in which case: isn't it a fucking great game? It is, isn't it! That shit is on! I have a new summer hobby.

Like me, my buddy James was a heavy metal moron in high school. This game, for people like us it's a dream come true. It's like they've taken everything that's good about playing air guitar and made a game out of it. Unbelievable.

Saturday, June 09, 2007


Thirty or so years ago my dad was working at Schlitz, which later became Coors. This was when they were first building the place. Apparently there was some spare stainless steel lying around, because my dad made a grill. A big, swanky grill.

It sat on the back porch at White Street until my family moved, and then it sat on the back porch at the new house. It's looks pretty much the same as it always did. It's a tough fucking grill.

I gave it to my buddy Jimmy last fall to do some work on it. He put a new base on it, and a new catch so the top will stay open without flipping the whole damn thing over. It is very heavy. It is also my birthright, and the only thing I've ever cared to have from my dad.

And it cooks the fuck out of some food, y'all. It's a goddamn thing of beauty, and a joy to cook with. Someday I'll give it to John. I hope it sits in my backyard for thirty more years.