Monday, November 20, 2006

Rhys Something

Listening to my iPod on the way home, and one of the songs from the Velvet Goldmine soundtrack comes on.

"This is a good tune," I think, "and that's a good rock-and-roll movie. Too bad about the DVD, though. Not too many extras on it. What that movie needs is the Criterion Collection treatment...get the director in on some commentary, maybe Ewan McGregor, Christian Bale, John Rhys-Davies..."

"No," I say out loud, "I mean Jonathan Rhys Meyers..."

I think about it for a second.

"But it would be funnier," I keep on, "if it were John Rhys-Davies, and he's wearing the dwarf get-up, and he's all in the Gimli character with the ersatz Scottish accent and everything."

"Ach," I say in my best dwarf accent, "this is some fine glam rock, but I don't know about all the homoeroticism."

And then I laughed like a motherfucker. I tickle myself sometimes.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Saturday morning. I'm lying in bed, half-awake.

"Daddy," John says calmly, "help me."

"Okay, John," I say, "gimme a second."

"Okay, daddy."

I find my glasses and walk out of the bedroom. There, in the hall, I find John hung from the gate in his bedroom door. He is hung by his diaper, and his head and hands are on the floor.

"I stuck," he tells me conversationally.

"You sure are."

I help him down.

"I stuck by my diaper," he says, feet back on the floor, "thank you, daddy."

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Scat Cat

The problem with Opposites Attract, Paula Abdul's late-eighties duet with M.C. Scat Cat, is that:

A. One of the performers is a cartoonish embodiment of the era's cheesiness, and

B. The other one is M.C. Scat Cat.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Common People

I've known about Pulp's Common People for years, but I finally paid attention to it on XM's Ethel the other day. You know what? Great freaking song! Jarvis Cocker is too, too awesome.

(Attention must be paid to William Shatner's howlingly funny cover, too.)

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge, she studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College, that's where I, caught her eye.

She told me that her Dad was loaded, I said "In that case I'll have a rum and coca-cola."

She said "Fine."

And in thirty seconds time she said, "I want to live like common people, I want to do whatever common people do, I want to sleep with common people, I want to sleep with common people, like you."

Well what else could I do?

I said "I'll see what I can do."

I took her to a supermarket, I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere, so it started there.

I said pretend you've got no money.

She just laughed and said, "Oh you're so funny."

I said "yeah? Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here. Are you sure you want to live like common people, you want to see whatever common people see, you want to sleep with common people, you want to sleep with common people, like me."

But she didn't understand, she just smiled and held my hand.

Rent a flat above a shop, cut your hair and get a job. Smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school. But still you'll never get it right, 'cos when you're laid in bed at night, watching roaches climb the wall, if you call your Dad he could stop it all.

You'll never live like common people, you'll never do what common people do, you'll never fail like common people, you'll never watch your life slide out of view, and dance and drink and screw, because there's nothing else to do.

Sing along with the common people, sing along and it might just get you through, laugh along with the common people, laugh along even though they're laughing at you, and the stupid things that you do. Because you think that poor is cool.

Like a dog lying in a corner, they will bite you and never warn you -
Look out!

They'll tear your insides out.

`Cos everybody hates a tourist - especially one who thinks it's all such a laugh. Yeah, and the chip stain and grease will come out in the bath,

You will never understand how it feels to live your life with no meaning or control and with nowhere left to go you are amazed that they exist and they burn so bright whilst you can only wonder why...