Monday, September 10, 2007

Professor Mumblepants

When a roller derby girl pinches your nipple (your pierced nipple!) (several times!) and says "you need to blog more" then you fucking well do it, buddy. With that in mind: Smackie Chan, this one's for you.

The aforementioned nipple-tweaking took place on the patio at the Buccaneer, a hipster watering hole-in the wall that I'd driven past God knows how many times but never actually been in before. It was the afterparty for the MRD playoffs, which had occurred earlier in the evening.

[Scheduling note: The MRD championship, starring the Women of Mass Destruction taking on the undefeated Angels of Death, happens Saturday, September 22. Tickets on sale now.]

Actually, with John staying at his aunt's house, Saturday night went playoffs - Huey's - Buccaneer - CK's. A perfect night of Memphis out-and-aboutness that ended very, very late.

Some highlights:


  • Sonya's boss brought her teenage son to the bout. I'm not sure what he thought of it ("It's a different crowd," he said when asked). I sat with her and her son and James and Andy and his new man-friend on the floor for a while. "If they'd had this when I was in high school," I told James and Sonya's boss, "you wouldn't have been able to keep me away."
  • Andy and his date were both enthused about the whole affair, and were coming up with names and things they could do by the end of the night. Andy wants to be a cheerleader; the date (who I believe is now officially a boyfriend and is named Chad, but don't quote me) wants to be a referee.
  • Sitting at Huey's was hard for me. I'm on the diet drugs (see below) and they make me just a touch jittery. I must have looked like a hummingbird, scanning the crowd, the TVs, the people at the table with me, the crowd, the TVs, etc. Sonya shared her burger and onion rings with me, and that helped to calm me down a bit.
  • I found out Andy has been designated by Sonya to come to our house in the event that Sonya and I are eaten by sharks or something equally life-ending and take away the briefcase under the bed. There's nothing illegal in said briefcase, but it's nothing our families would want to deal with either, if you catch my drift. This was a very thoughtful thing for Sonya to arrange. Way to go, Wifey!
  • The Buccaneer was satisfyingly grotty. The MRD party was on the patio out front, where for the most part the general hipsters were on one side while the MRD-affiliated were on the other side. "Segregation," I observed to another derby husband, "it's so ugly."
  • James said he needed to use the bathroom, which led us to wonder about the state of the Buccaneer's toilet. "It'll probably be like Trainspotting," I said, "you'll just want to open the door and piss inside." James reported back that this was indeed the case, but it was still good enough for him. Like me, James believes that there is no bathroom so filthy that he can't piss in it.
  • At the last derby afterparty that both James and I attended, we were delighted by a tall, skinny, white-haired, Ichabod Crane-like character who showed up wearing leather pants. We promptly dubbed him Professor Mumblepants and did a great deal of speculating about where he came from, what were his habits, how did he talk (I was hoping for a Vincent Price-like accent), etc. He showed up again Saturday, wearing some unfortunately shiny denim, and I was once again thrilled. (Balanced reporting: I understand he's some derby girl's friend, and supposedly a very nice guy. But he'll always be Professor Mumblepants to me.)
  • Post-Buccaneer, James, Jen, Smackie, Sonya and I went to the IHOP. ("Pancakes!" Sonya declared drunkenly, "Pancakes would be gooooooood!") This was also the night of the Southern Heritage Classic, a big football game here in Memphis between two historically black colleges (Jackson State and Tennessee State, I believe) and the game attracts a lot of people and is a big, big party. Some of the party had gone to IHOP at three on Sunday morning, and there was a twenty minute wait. Now, yes, IHOP makes a fine pancake, but a twenty minute wait at IHOP is like a twenty minute wait at Taco Bell. Or McDonald's. It's not going to happen. So we went to CK's, a local chain of greasy spoons, for a round of waffles and hash browns and whatnot. Many of The Gays showed up while we were there, and it was very festive. (Of course Jen knew one of them. With her track record, I'm surprised she hadn't dated him. Zing! Gay boyfriend burn! Love you, Jen!) I also expressed my devotion to the adult film Pirates (again, see below).


So Sonya and I crash into bed at four-thirty or so. John woke up at eight-thirty. Yesterday was kind of hazy around the edges.

[Music note: I'm listening to New Wave City from Labor Day weekend at DNA Lounge. Theme: Siouxsie and the Banshees. Now Playing: Siouxsie - Melt. Have I ever mentioned how ridiculously sexy this song is? 'Cause it is.]

I do recall that my brother in-law (Kind of; he and my sister have been together for years, and they own a house together, but they're not married, and yet he is Uncle Mike to John. So brother in-law he is) made some very good steaks on the grill yesterday. As mentioned previously, I'm on the speedy-speedy-speed right now so I haven't been eating much. Yesterday I skipped the pills which led to me being zombie-fied most of the day but it also meant I got to eat the fuck out of some steak.

Which has played hell with my stomach since then. But steak! Such good steak!

So I've taken the Phentermine here and there over the years when someone gave me a spare. They do stomp the hell out of your appetite and give you a nice little boost. I came back from vacation (orgy of fried food that it was) disgusted with myself. So I found a reputable doctor (translation: advertises in RSVP) and got my very own prescription. It's working, too. In fact, the benefits (weight loss, extra energy, improved efficiency at work) far outweigh the negatives (horrible sleep, dry mouth, speed-freak jitters if I don't eat enough). True, sometimes I want to climb up to a high place and hoot at everyone who goes by, and occasionally I have to do a couple of wind-sprints just to burn off the extra energy, but I'm fine. Fine, I tell you. I don't have a problem.

Saturday was the first day the pills really got on top of me. I didn't eat regularly, and several times I had to stop and breathe deep just to keep from gagging with baseless nerves and excitement. That said, I was really excited about having an adult night (adult in the sense of out with grown-ups, not in the sense of Fantasy Warehouse). And I was singing along with the iPod like a maniac in the car on the way to the bouts. And James said I was kind of vibrating.

But I stayed up late! No problem! And I was a good deal more social than I usually am, too. I had fun! I was just kind of high the whole time.

And now, Pirates: I got this movie back in May, but I never watched it until a couple of weeks ago. I didn't get to watch it all, because Sonya came in from the Rick Springfield concert where she'd had a few drinks and I'm more interested in Drunk Sonya then I am in just about anything else. Still, it's beautiful! It's a gorgeous B-movie, with good effects, awesome costumes and nice, moody lighting. And graphic sex. The acting, unfortunately, reminds you that the people involved possibly weren't selected for their acting skills. Except for the pirate-hunting captain. He was funny, with kind of a Bruce Campbell thing going on. I recommend it!

2 Comments:

Anonymous Smackie Chan said...

woo-hoo! i'm a blogosphere celebrity!

9/11/2007 10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Exactly where can I get that "make you more social" diet drug? I'd love to lace Ed's Pepsi with it on a regular basis.

9/11/2007 11:01 AM  

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