Effluvia

New York likes Mamma Mia! Even if the reviewer has to give a string of backhanded compliments to put together a decent review. We've always been a little ashamed of liking Abba here in America. You get the impression that shame doesn't exist in Europe - even the people there that hate Abba know all the words to every song and own an album or two.

In the spirit of the holiday season: The Little Ghost.

I wrote Sage's update this week. You should check it out - it's getting good reviews. From Sonya and Sage, anyway.

An impudent sales clerk to the Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons:
"A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies."

Siobhanorama!

I get to break the news here: Siobhan has been accepted for MTV's Tough Enough 2! She's gonna be a professional wrestler! I couldn't be prouder. I can't help but think that, in some small way, I'm responsible for this success in Siobhan's life.

Three Years Ago
"Personally, I think Pottersville looked like a lot more fun."

Two Years Ago
"The bellydancer was a big-breasted, ample-bellied older woman..."

One Year Ago
"...one of the flight attendants stank like a filthy pig."

From an e-mail I sent to Sonya yesterday:

"Incredible. I just purchased TWELVE PAIRS of underwear. Twelve pairs! I doubt I've ever owned so many pairs of underwear in my life! I'm the kingpin of underwear! Some kind of lightning-flinging, boxer brief-wearing god!

"I also got toilet paper, light bulbs and a garbage can.

"Our first kitchen garbage can!"

Looks like someone's back to being a two-income family, huh?

Sonya and I were watching TV the other night. A commercial came on for a new medicine that treats genital warts.

"You ask me," I said, not being asked, "those people get what they deserve, trying to have sex with frogs and all. they have a name for people like that."

"And that would be?" Sonya asked.

"Frog fuckers."

Walking the dog the other day on Camp Street. A generic older white trash chick (tight jeans, eighties top, bad dye job, wrinkles, long cigarette) is walking down the street towards me. She crosses the street and looks up to where two generic white trash guys (mullets, ball caps, filthy, tall boys in hand) are on a second floor balcony. From ground level she says something to them that I can't hear.

And then one of the guys yells down:

"Why don't you give me some of that good pussy I been hearing about? That good tight pussy!"

And then she went up the stairs.

I guess some girls are just a sucker for a smooth line.

In the laundry room, last night. I hadn't been in there all night. I turned on the light and there, on a black shirt that Sonya had spread out on top of the dryer, was a lizard.

He was gorgeous.

He was only three or four inches long, and skinny, but he was a brilliant neon green and sitting on the unfaded black cotton he looked like a jewel, head up, tail curled around him just so, artfully arranged. He was undisturbed by my entrance. He studied me through tiny black beady eyes and breathed evenly.

"Welcome to my kingdom," he said, "I am the most beautiful lizard in the world."

My squeamishness about bugs is well-documented. Thankfully, I don't feel that way about lizards. In my childhood in Texas and Louisiana I played with them - all the kids did. So I went to drop a hand over this Gorgeous George of the lizard world but no! He was too fast for me! He darted down in to the sock-eating abyss between the washer and the dryer.

I'm happy to have him. He classes the joint up.

If you live in the New Orleans area I'm sure you've seen or heard the commercials starring Mackie Shilstone. He's done commercials for Abita Springs Water and the gym I go to, and probably others. What I didn't know for a long time is that Mackie is a man.

See, with a name like Mackie he could go either way, right? And for the longest time I only knew him from his radio commercials. Of course, in those commercials he never said, "hi, this Mackie Shilstone, male guy who is a man." He's got a totally high woman-y voice, so I assumed, you know?

Imagine my surprise when I finally saw a TV commercial!

"Sonya! Sonya!" I yelled, "come quick! Mackie Shilstone's a dude!"

"You're shittin' me," Sonya said.

I was not.

Imagine my further surprise when I heard a distinctly female voice talking one set of lockers over from me at the gym today!

"Yeah," the feminine voice said, "I'll come by and check on that later this afternoon."

And I'm all like, "hello! This is the men's locker room, and while I'm as open-minded as the next guy I know the chicks have their own locker room and really don't need to be all up in ours!"

Then I heard another voice say, "great. Thanks, Mackie."

Oh.