Effluvia

Salon's wonderful episode guide to Survivor.

And their even funnier guide to Big Brother.

Also from Salon: Spandex-clad midgets in a Long John Silver's commercial. It's true!

RIP: Sir Alec Guinness, 1914 -2000. Gone to be one with the Force, one hopes.




Boss Kenny

The Gambler is Boss Kenny.

"You couldn't find Harold? Well, go get that old guy that answers the phone. What? In jail? This place is going to hell."




Two Years Ago
The Caller ID Doctrine.

08/07/2000
Tub Lizard

We got a couch this weekend!

Like I said the other day, the couch and chair didn't make the move - too big, too bulky, too ratty. So Sonya and I went shopping - both Friday night and Saturday - and we ended up buying the first couch we looked. And the cheapest.

So you'll know, it's the Pampas couch, available at Pier One. We will soon acquire the matching chair and ottoman, I assure you.

Pier One really is the neglected stepchild of retail these days, isn't it? They still have lots of cool stuff, but the trinity of Pottery Barn/Williams Sonoma/Restoration Harware makes Pier One look very...eighties, I guess. And not in a cool "Hungry Like the Wolf" way, but kind of in a BIlly Ocean way. I don't care, though. I like Pier One better. And now I have one of their charge cards, so I'm going to buy lots of shit from them. So there.

Speaking of rampant consumerism, we drove down Veterans Boulevard in Metairie Saturday, furniture shopping. That's a busy street! For the record, the help at Ethan Allen is very snotty. We left without buying anything.

We also went to the Lakeside Mall, where there was:

A: a fashion show
B: beignets
C: a Hot Topic
D: all of the above

Answer? D! The fashion show was entertainment, though just barely.

"Hank Hill wouldn't let Bobby participate in one of those," I noted wisely.

I like this beignets-in-the-mall thing New Orleans has going on. For those of you not in the know, beignets are little squares of fluffy bread, deep-fried and covered with powdered sugar. They are fine.

Hot Topic amused both me and Sonya, I think. Freaky spooky bondage crap - at the mall. America - what a country! I suppose the kids whose parents won't let them go to the French Quarter shop there.




On my way home from work there's this sign. It says, in huge letters along the top, "MASONS WANT TO HELP." Under that is a picture of a mom with a kid in her lap. They're looking at a book. A thought bubble over the kid's head says, "Dog? God? Ogd?" The bubble over the mom's head says, "Dyslexia?"

Sonya was with me on that route the other day when we were running around.

"That's awful," she said with conviction.

I think they should have put every possible permutation on the sign, just to show how confused the kid is.

Dog? God? Ogd? Odg? Dgo? Gdo?

Okay, kid, let me help you out a little bit. Those with the "O" at the beginning or the end? You can throw those out. That leaves you with two - God and dog. Nine times out of ten you can probably figure those out through context.

Here, try it out for yourself:

I worship the ______.

I brush my _______.

Can you figure out what goes where?




First thing this morning I, bleary-eyed and fuzzy-headed, turned on the tap in the bathtub to take a shower. As soon as the water hit the drain a lizard - about two inches long, green, with big black eyes - came scrambling out and stood on the side of the tub. He looked annoyed.

Thankfully, I am not scared of lizards. I lived in this part of the country as a child and all the kids played with lizards. Sometimes their tails would come off in our hands, but that was okay. They grow another. Sometimes they'd bite, too, but they have toothless little jaws with a weak grip. The worst they could do was barely hold on, and then you'd just have a lizard attached to you.

I looked around the bathroom, hoping to find something I could put the lizard in to surprise the Wife later. You know, a jar or something that I could put a book on top of - it would be like a little pet.

There was no such thing in the bathroom, though. And I was on a schedule. I grabbed the little fella, tossed him in the toilet and flushed. I figure if he came up the drain he can go right back down.

At least he wasn't a roach.




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