Effluvia

Ooh! Ooh! Xanadu!

Peeps! Peeps!

My top five slacker jobs for when I get fired from my current job:

• Kinko's, second shift
• Bartender
• Baskin Robbins
• One-hour film processor
• Shepherd

A good title - taken from the radio - for a porno film : Meat Virginia.

Bygone Days
Uncensored!

125 YEARS AGO
April 20, 1875

At a meeting last evening of Memphis Confederate Veterans, presided over by General G. W. Gordon, it was agreed to decorate Confederate graves at Memphis on May 22.

No funny comments, but I bet these were some bitter motherfuckers, you know? I mean, they went to war and watched friends and family die, and what do they get to do now? Decorate the graves.

Siobhanorama

Siobhan has been quite for the last few days. Perhaps she will say something tomorrow. Certainly by Saturday.

[10:16 pm - Update: Siobhan is tickled at my "quite" typo above. And she won an award. I never win awards.

I'm a little J-E-L-O-S.]

Ride With The Chauffeur

There's this girl, see, and man is she pretty!

It's interesting, though. I walk the dog and leave for work around eight or eight-fifteen every morning. For the past two years I've been seeing this woman walking to work while I'm walking my dog. You'd know her if you saw her: mid-length blonde hair, big boobs, tiny waist, hips that flare just so and legs and ass that look to spend hours every day on the StairMaster.

And she looks smart, too, like she's got stuff on her mind, and there's always this little half-smile on her face. Maybe she's amused at the attention.

And the clothes, buddy! This morning it was a t-shirt that fit like a coat of paint, pedal-pushers the same and some strappy platform sandals. A good outfit anyway, but this girl can take it to a whole different level. With her, it's always tight or lowcut or short or some thrilling combination of the three.

I have seen - with my own eyes - cars stop when this girl walks by. Grown men have stumbled and slowed down. Conversations stop and slow, silly smiles scrawl across faces. Never once have I heard a catcall directed toward her. I don't think anyone would dare; it would be like yelling at the Venus De Milo to "drop 'at skirt, baby!"

A little trashy? Sure. I bet other women don't like her much. But she's so vibrantly sexy it just doesn't matter.

Stunning. Absolutely stunning.

I am a married man - happily married - and I've no interest in meeting girls. Hell, I don't like people that much. But sometimes I want to say to her, "excuse me, but are you aware that you are the male ideal of feminine beauty?"

But I get the feeling she already knows that.

Anyway, I saw her this morning and I got to wondering.

"Where does she work?" I wondered, "she always dresses totally sexy, and most places I've worked would frown on that. Catty comments from fellow female coworkers alone would drive her away."

A lawyer? There are a lot of lawyers Downtown, and some of them are pretty damned casual? But that casual? No. Downtown lawyers (in my neighborhood, anyway) tend to have to go to court a lot, and this is the south. If you're going to court in Memphis, you wear a suit.

Broker? PR? No - they're not that casual either. Government job, possibly. She might be able to get away with it there, but I don't know...

I decided she's a secretary or clerk for a lawyer in private practice. He's old and fat and kind of greasy, but he's good at what he does and he handles a lot of money, some of crime-related, and he's got quite a bit tucked away himself. She figured out all of this for herself, see, shortly after she started working for him and while she was still wearing plaid flannels and jeans to work. She's from some place in Mississippi - some place in southern Mississippi, but nowhere near the beach - and her dad's a drunk who thought it was funny as hell to pop his kids in the mouth at Wal-Mart and listen to 'em beller and her mom disappeared years ago when Ted Nugent played the county fair and her brother's in jail and her two sisters are fat, living in nasty old houses out in the country with three kids each and husbands just like their father

And she can hear that fat motherfucker (the lawyer, not her dad or anyone else in her family - she hasn't spoken to any of them in eight years or so, when her youngest sister called to tell her that their brother was in jail for raping a fifteen year old ("but it wudn't rape," her sister had insisted, "'cause they been datin' for a whal now. It's jest the statch'try rape.")) breathe hard and she swears his hard will pound right out of his chest - she cas see his chest shake with his heartbeats - when she shows just a touch of thigh around the office and being honest she's been showing a lot more than just a touch but he won't dare say anything to her 'cause he's been in on more than one sexual harrassment case and he would never dare to make a move on her and she knows that's a problem just like she knows he goes in the bathroom - that they share - right after she comes out and he makes noises like he's dyin' in there and either he's got some king-hell constipation or he's jerkin' off and she thinks he's jerkin' off and more than once she's considered just dropping to her knees and digging his old know out from under his belly and giving him the blow of a lifetime which would either kill him (and that's fine, 'cause she knows she's in his will for a few thousand dollars) or cause him to immediately propose marriage 'cause she knows he's lonely - he was married for a few years right after law school, but his wife didn't like being married to lawyer. Not a fat one, anyway - and all he does is work and he's got money, money like no one she knows has ever had and she figures whe could either kill him off with fucking (and god knows he'd told her himself that his doctor said he was the best candidate for a coronary the doctor had seen in fifteen years of practicing medicine) or shape him up right and either way she'd be rich, rich like no one back home had ever seen

But she didn't know if she had the nerve to do it, so she dresses sexy and hopes he'll risk making a move - 'cause that's just what she wants.

And that, pretty much, is how Harold's mind works.