14 April 2003


I had my teeth cleaned this morning. What was the hygienist's name, you ask?

It was Kathleen Mengele, Dental Hygiene Nazi!

Damn, y'all, it was horrible. You know, back in the day they'd just scrape your teeth for a while, then polish 'em up for ya. But now my dentist's office has this hydro-powered super scraper thing that they use instead of the little manual scraper. I can't stand this thing. It makes a horrible whine in your head that feels like it's going to split your brain in two and, wielded carelessly, it can hurt like hell. I've had it used on me a couple of times before; I didn't like it, but it wasn't actively horrible.

When this bitch got done with me my fucking teeth hurt. My teeth, that are made of bone and don't have nerves on the surface. They fucking ached.

And get this: the whole time she's doing all this (with me practically standing on my head, she's got the chair cranked so far back) she's disparaging both my brushing and flossing techniques for being just not good enough. I'm like, "bitch, at least I floss! You know how many motherfuckers come up in this area don't even know how to floss?" She didn't understand that 'cause she's got both fists in my mouth and she just went on, talking hygienist jargon.

"Gingivitis gum disease blah de blah blah..."

And then - and then! - and then the dentist comes in at the end of the cleaning to give me the once-over.

"How do his teeth look?" he asked Ms. Mengele.

"Fine," she said, "he's got strong teeth."

See? See? Propaganda! It was all propaganda!

"Keep doing what you're doing," he said, "and come back in six months."

She was full of shit, wasn't she?