"The week kicks off with a swift, judicious boot in the butt for the most notorious Northwest money-grubbers since the Mariners. Today a King County jury roundly rejected the civil suit brought by Vili Fualaau, the former Mary K. Letourneau boy-toy who sought unspecified damages from the Highline School District for failing to prevent the sensational, intergenerational student-teacher romance; Fualaau also sought damages from the City of Des Moines, whose police force he claimed failed to protect him once the illicit affair was discovered. Readers will remember that the love affair that made Fualaau a two-time father also made him a one-time millionaire. After Mary L. Letourneau landed in jail for child rape (twice), Vili Fualaau landed a six-figure book deal; on his subsequent trans-continental speaking tour, Vili told anyone who'd listen how his "hot for teacher" lust blossomed into soul-uniting love. (Fualuua's mom Soona earned an additional $30,000 providing the supermarket tabloids with exclusives.) But as M.C. Hammer, Enron, and soon the Catholic Church can attest, eventually the money runs out, and after Fualaau and his mom burned through their earnings, they turned to the City and the school, demanding damages for the affair that rendered the now 18-year-old Fualaau deficient in "life skills to be able to function independently" and "unemployable." (Did banging Mary K. somehow impair Fualaau's ability to ask "Would you like fries with that?") But city attorney Anne Bremner wasted no time making mincemeat of Fualaau's claims. "The case was about money, money, and more money," said Bremner to the Seattle Post Intelligencer after the jury ruled 10-2 that neither the city nor the school owes Fualaau or his weepaholic mom a nickel. As for poor, empty-handed Vili, Last Days predicts his time in the sexy spotlight isn't over yet: Mary K. Letourneau emerges from prison in 2005, after which we imagine we'll be able to witness Letourneau and Fualaau's triple-x "reunion" live on the Internet for $9.99 (or maybe on Fox for free.) Either way, we can't wait.
You know, I always thought that Letourneau chick was pretty hot. Can't blame the kid, really.