A bouquet of great moments from this week's issue of The Stranger:

From the Stranger Suggests:

"To hell with the comic-book version of Peter Parker and all of his namby-pamby 'existential dilemmas.' Red-blooded American fags (and our female heterosexual pals) will be piling into movie theaters to ogle the best-looking man in tights to grace the silver screen since Mikhail Baryshnikov in White Nights."

From Last Days:

"Crucial to securing the governor's go-ahead was the reconfiguration of Marszalek's mall as a "parking and service complex" catering primarily to Auschwitz tourists, whose gut-wrenching strolls through the former death camp will undoubtedly spur cravings for 'My Grandparents Went to Auschwitz and All I Got Was This Lousy' T-shirts, and the savory succor of Sbarro."

From This Week on the Boob Toob:

"Thursday, May 2
10:00 NBC ER
Carter reads a letter to the staff from the terminally ill Dr. Greene that goes something like this: 'Oh, boo-hoo-hooo!! I've got a brain tumor!'

"Saturday, May 4
8:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
The true story of Pee-wee Herman, from his rise to fame to being arrested for wacking the wee-wee."

From I, Anonymous:

"Yes, he's loyal and not going to dump you while you're carrying his child, he'll help you through all that shit and force me to the back of his mind (for now). But you've only succeeded in delaying fate. The next time you see me, I'll be dripping cum all over your sheets while he pounds the shit out of me, and I won't need to get pregnant to keep him."

From Celebrity I Saw U: